travel wish list

I have to admit that my blog posts haven’t been so varied lately that I was so consumed with work. Now that I’ve made (again) another career move, I wish that I will have more time to spend having fun and updating this blog.

For those of you (I really wish you guys exist) who visit this blog regularly, you must be aware that I’ve become a travel addict since 2014 (well, since the bad break up that I had to go to places where my ex and I had never been to) that I make my own rule of: 2x travels/year within the country + 1x travel/2-year abroad. I have never been more happy with my life with my new boyfriend, but the addiction doesn’t change. My boyfriend is a travel lover as well, so we become traveling partners (from our last trips, he let me decide and organize the trip and he’ll be more than happy being a follower).

Here’s what I’m calling: Inez’s Travel Wish List. 🙂 *going to cross off the places I’ve been to and add up the places I want to go to later on *I wish my boyfriend doesn’t read this. LOL

Indonesia (from west to east)

• Pulau Weh, Aceh
• Bangka-Belitung
• Padang, West Sumatra
• Pulau Peucang, Ujung Kulon, West Java
• Ujung Genteng, West Java
• Pantai Sawarna, West Java
• Karimun Jawa, Central Java
• Malang, East Java
• Bromo, East Java
• Nusa Penida, Bali
• 3 Gilis, Lombok
• Kepulauan Derawan, East Kalimantan
• Balikpapan, East Kalimantan
• Bunaken, North Sulawesi
• Wakatobi, Southeast Sulawesi
• Togian, Central Sulawesi/Gorontalo
• Taka Bone Rate, South Sulawesi
• Makassar, South Sulawesi
• Danau Kelimutu, Flores, East Nusa Tenggara
• Labuan Bajo (Komodo National Park), Flores, East Nusa Tenggara
• Ora Beach, Maluku
• Raja Ampat, Papua

Abroad

• Maldives
• Santorini, Greece
• Las Vegas
• LA
• Japan
• Vietnam
• Thailand
• Hong Kong
• New Zealand

working mom’s guilt

As I mentioned several times in my previous posts (or drafts, can’t quite recall which is which): I’m a working mom by choice. I can say I’m lucky to have a responsible, hardworking husband who provides for us (my kids and me) both physically and mentally despite his condition. Economically speaking, I don’t need to work, but yeah, I need it for my mental health. LOL.

However, there are times when this convenience is making me feel guilty.

This morning, my eldest woke up with red eyes and slight fever. I can tell right away that he’s not well, even though he won’t admit it. I fed him a cup of warm herbal tea and peanut butter sandwich, his favorite. Oh, and also his vitamins (gummy ones, which he would always ask for more). After feeding him, I went straight to shower and get ready for work. As usual, he would jump into my car as soon as I unlock the doors, demanding a short drive around. When we arrived back home, he just wouldn’t come out of the car. He wanted to be with me. 😦

Oh dear, if only you knew how guilty I felt.. I then drove away with teary eyes. “Sorry, my dear,” I whispered along the way. “I want to be with you too, but I need this time away from you.. for myself and for you.” (Because I would get mad at him easily when he sticks with me all the time.)

I love my kids, but I need some time away from them. And work (and sickness, even though I would still take care for them if I can still get up from bed) is the only acceptable excuse for me to be.

Wondering how long this mom’s guilt will go on.. I hope they know just how much I love them.

my dream job

Bloganuary writing prompt

What’s your dream job?

View all responses

I’ve had a few my entire life:

• a doctor
• a dubber
• a radio DJ
• an engineer
• a fashion magazine editor

…but you know, none of those became real. Well, except for an engineer, if you count the less-than-1-year first job I had.

If you ask me that question now, I honestly don’t know. Being a full time working mom has taken all my time thinking of everything (for everyone) and nothing for myself. I guess my job now is what every mom dreams of (?): a job that gives decent pay (enough for my monthly self care and my kids’ play at the malls *rolling eyes) and flexible working time (and place). It is stressful at times, but the flexibility is key for me. 🙂

being a mom = my life’s turning point?

For those who’ve known me before kids, you must all know how ambitious I was with what I put my mind to in life. I never aimed to be the best among others, but I tend to aim to be the best version of myself: a good daughter to my parents (well, not really :P), a good sister to my sister, a good girlfriend/wife to my boyfriend/husband, a good employee to my employer (highly doubt it :P), and a good friend to all my groups of friends (yes, I have a lot of friend groups LOL).

As you might be aware of, I gave birth to my firstborn right before COVID pandemic stroke back in the beginning of 2020. The pandemic itself has changed everyone’s life, and for me, being a new mom during the pandemic has really changed me a lot. I can say that it’s my life’s turning point.

I used to be a “social butterfly” who had at least 1 meet-up session with my friends during weekdays and another one during weekends. Oh and don’t forget at least 2 after-office hours hang out or gym session, with or without my boyfriend/husband.

Then I was suddenly (yeah, you can’t really plan a natural labour, can you?) on a 3-month maternity leave, and after my status was changed from “a wife” to “a mom”, everyone was working from home and meeting online. I was someone who’s always wanted to be “seen” by everyone, but suddenly I was invisible. It’s not that I wanted it, but it happened naturally when you left work for a long time. And even more naturally when people don’t see you physically. My workload was significantly reduced, probably because everyone at work thought “this woman is a new mom, she must need some time to adjust herself to working again”. It gradually increased, of course, after more than 1 year, but then I got pregnant again with my 2nd born, and things got slowed down again.

Long story short, I’m now in a situation where my old self would be angry with. I’m not happy with how things go at home and at work. I’m never myself again and I barely have time for myself. I’m not a good employee to my employer and I never hang out with my friends anymore. My colleagues seem to give me some freedom, for which I’m grateful but at the same time upset because I feel like I’m looked down. I used to be this happy to be alone, independent woman, but I’m now too dependent on my husband: I get scared every time my husband might come home late or go out of town for a business trip (because I know I can’t take care of my 2 babies while having to prepare food for them and do small household works in the morning).

I just hope that the new me is a good enough mom for my kids.

*Disclaimer: I’m really, deeply grateful and content to have my 2 cute babies, and I love them so much to the point where I can’t imagine my life without them now, even after living more than 30 years without them. I just feel that I’ve changed a lot in the process of being a mom.*

[2nd time mom] breastfeeding

I love and, on the contrary, feel deeply burdened by breastfeeding. Thoughts like “my baby needs me to eat”, “I’m the only one who can do this for him/her”, “this is making our bonds stronger”, and “this is soothing my baby in the best way possible” keep coming to my head every now and then. Well, apart from other intrusive thoughts like “why can’t my husband help me at all?!”, “I’m so tired of having to wash and sterilize all the bottles and pump parts everyday”, “I need a break”..

I must admit, I started breastfeeding wrongly. I was so confident that I would be able to do it naturally that I didn’t even read or make an effort to look for useful resources related to breastfeeding until the end of my second month of maternity leave (when I was panicking, realizing I only had 1 month left to ‘deposit’ expressed breastmilk for my baby when I’m at work). Thankfully, I found 1 reliable source at the right time and went from there. Now, every time I know someone close to me is expecting, I will always share these sources to them.

I consider myself blessed that my first child is a fast learner – he breastfed really nicely and well scheduled that my breastmilk increased gradually as per his needs (thanks to the regular growth spurts, that was). He was also very greedy when it came to (direct) breastfeeding and he slept during feeds a lot as a baby. These, especially the latter, helped me a lot with scheduling things as a new mom. Despite his greediness, I introduced him to bottle way too late (only when he was 3 months old, when I came back to work after maternity leave) that he rejected all kinds of bottles and started to be spoon-fed as soon as he could sit up. Oh and he HATED frozen breastmilk that I had to throw A LOT of breastmilk (I donated some, but at one point I got too busy that the milk was expired). He’s a sweetheart, though.. as soon as I was pregnant with my 2nd baby, he weaned himself – just a few days before his 2nd birthday. 🙂 Another blessing because otherwise it would have been so hard to wean.

The only time I had a break from breastfeeding in the past 3 years was for the 9 months I was pregnant with my 2nd baby. I can say I’m lucky that way, because my body and brain still remember how it’s like to breastfeed. Different child, different style, though.. I don’t know if it’s because it’s a girl, but my 2nd baby doesn’t feed as greedy as her brother. She stops even before she’s full and she won’t sleep after feeding (she likes to be embraced to sleep). She doesn’t mind skipping some night feeding sessions when she’s too tired during the day (something her brother wouldn’t do). However, I learned something from her brother: I introduced her to bottle when she was 2 months old that she now likes direct breastfeeding as much as bottle feeding. She also accepts frozen breastmilk, despite the fact that I don’t have that much in stock because I get so lazy to pump. 😛

All in all, I love breastfeeding because it creates strong bond between my baby and me. I believe it’s the best ‘meal’ my baby can have. It contains good antibodies too that both my babies don’t get sick that much. 2 years will go by fast and I will enjoy every feed within.. 🙂

[2nd time mom] picky eating

I bake(d – it’s in the past now), but I didn’t cook.
Other than those 18 months I spent in Australia, I never cooked. Even back then, I didn’t really enjoy cooking. I cooked so I can live – because takeaway food was too pricey for a student.

I admit it: I felt like I was a failure when my first child just wouldn’t eat.
I kept thinking it’s because I couldn’t cook well. At one point, I gave up. I felt like I didn’t want to cook anymore. That ready-to-eat food is better for him. Still, he wouldn’t eat.
I asked my husband to taste my cooking, in case something was wrong with my palate. Well sometimes it really was bad, but there were times when even my husband admitted that my cooking skill had improved. Still, he wouldn’t eat.

I consulted a few pediatricians to check. They all said the same thing: nothing’s wrong with my son (looking at his growth chart).
I followed all of their suggestions but none worked:
– (this came from a young pediatrician) feeding rules: make a schedule, sit on a high chair in a dining room, no distraction
– (from a middle-aged pediatrician) improve my cooking technique and ingredients, probably he was bored of what I cooked
– (from a senior pediatrician) strictly no milk even when he didn’t eat and had tantrums

Then came my second child. She eats anything I feed her as if it’s the best thing she ever has (in her short 7 months on Earth and only 1 month of solid food, that is). My confidence (in cooking) then rocketed. It’s correct that my cooking skill have improved compared to when I first cooked for my son, but it’s not improved so much that I become a chef.

My conclusion is this: picky eating comes with the child. It’s not the mom’s fault (for being a bad cook); the kid’s born with it. So moms, don’t be down. Senior moms told me: this too shall pass, but as of the day I’m typing this, my first child still won’t eat that much. He eats a bit better now, but still not sufficient (according to the guide book) and I’m trained to close both eyes and ears to whatever others do and say about him, as long as he’s healthy and grows well.

[2nd time mom] coming home after birth

I spent 4 days in the hospital after giving birth to my first born, during which families and friends came to visit (I really don’t miss this part). I felt so weak and didn’t dare to move from bed before the nurse told me to. I even asked my mom to come to the hospital only to carry my baby on our way home, because I worried too much.

Long story short, after a 40-day confinement, I spent the rest of my maternity leave learning about breastfeeding (yes, I didn’t do it before birth, my biggest regret so far) and tidying up our tiny apartment (that includes washing baby’s next size clothes and putting my maternity clothes aside in the vacuum bag). When I got back to work (from home – it was still the early stage of pandemic), I was so content that I got to get back feeling great.

My second pregnancy, although showed the same no-morning-sickness, was so much more tiring. I had to take care of a toddler and a house while carrying a (seem to be and appear to be) bigger baby in my belly. Thankfully, the labor was no surprise (thanks to the too-comfy-in-mommy’s-belly baby) since I had to be induced, hence planned. At least I got to say proper goodbye to my eldest.

The baby decided to be born at midnight after 12 hours of induction. After the observation time ended, I stood up to move to the hospital bed myself. Wow. My younger self (after giving birth for the first time) will be so proud. Despite the almost ended pandemic, there was still a strict no visitor rule in the hospital, for which I’m silently grateful. My husband and I got to spend our quality time with our newborn baby for a couple of days before going back home to our toddler (yep, I carried her by myself).

In case you’re wondering, my maternity clothes (and my baby’s newborn and 3-6m clothes) are still there in the wardrobe. Even though I got myself more helper this time, I also wonder where the time fled to that I didn’t even get to tidy up at all. Getting back to work after maternity leave was harder than before. Nothing special, only definitely busier with 2 babies. (:

[in Bahasa Indonesia] mom of 2

Honestly speaking, sampe saat ini, gw masih berasa kaya mimpi gw bisa jadi mamak anak 2.

Bukan, bukannya ga di-planning.. my husband and I had always wanted 2 kids, tapi beneran surprised aja pas tau hamil lagi. Baru aja berasa enak dengan kondisi si anak pertama yang: baru aja lulus menyusui 2 tahun + mulai ngerti diajak komunikasi + mulai enak diajak jalan-jalan + tidurnya mulai teratur (dan yang penting: ga bangun-bangun semaleman), eh tau-tau langsung “dikasih”.

Pas kondisi ga hamil sih berasa enak, tapi begitu hamil dan ngejalanin, ternyata lelah ya punya batita sambil hamil tuh.. Si bocil yang pas umur 0-2 berasa pesat banget perkembangannya, ternyata masih lanjut pesatnya di range 2-3 taun. Yang berasa banget sih tambah aktif dan tambah ceriwis. Plus tambah bandel pastinya. Threenager is real *ketawa sambil nangis*.

Masuk trimester 3, apalagi pas udah menjelang lahiran, rasanya bener-bener menguji iman. Badan berasa cepet banget capek, sementara si bocil tambah rese, antara (mungkin) feeling bahwa sebentar lagi dia punya adek dan bukan fokus mamak satu-satunya lagi, dan emang masanya aja. Sampe di tahap gw tu sering banget curhat sama suami bilang pengen cepet-cepet lahiran. 😛

Setelah melahirkan, iya sih badan berasa enteng.. tapi ya kali baru 2 hari, jahitan pun belum kering, gw harus turun tangan mandiin anak gw karena tu bocah ga mau mandi selain sama mamak.. 😀 “Dinamika jadi mamak anak 2” kalo kata orang-orang. Ditambah mesti nyesuaiin diri lagi buat bangun tengah malem nyusuin, mantap.. lelahnya.. 🙂

Di cuti melahirkan yang ke-2 inilah gw merasakan bahwa cuti melahirkan sangat melelahkan. Dulu abis lahiran yang pertama, hidup gw sungguh peaceful karena gw bisa istirahat pas bayi bobo. Nah ini? Pas bayi bobo, gw mesti ganti ngurusin kakaknya yang meski dijagain neneknya, selalu nyariin mamak.. :’) Dan ternyata oh ternyata.. 3 bulan itu sungguhlah waktu yang pas buat semua orang adaptasi dengan kehadiran bayi #2: gw, suami, dan si kakak.

Sekarang bayi #2 udah masuk 3.5 bulan, tandanya gw udah lulus probation. Gw yang awalnya pasti panik dan stress sendiri kalo ditinggal sendirian sama 2 bocah, dan ga kebayang kerja sambil ngangon 2 bocah, akhirnya berhasil juga ngejalaninnya (gw udah balik ngantor btw, meski masih hybrid jadi masih banyak WFH), meski tiap pagi berasa kaya main amazing race (malem I can handle confidently now, setelah awal-awal pengen nangis karena bayi #1 dan #2 rebutan mamak tiap mau bobo malem).

Bener-bener berasa kaya mimpi sih. Dan ga berasa bentar lagi bayi #2 mulai MPASI. Makin jungkir balik lah mamak.. pengennya sih sempetin masak sendiri, tapi we’ll see realistis atau nggak. Kalo nggak ya kita pake jalan ninja aja (catering MPASI maksudnya). 😀

my 2nd pregnancy diary: blighted ovum

OK, as an introvert, I promised myself I won’t post this before either I give birth to my 2nd child or am really ready with possible response I might receive from anyone reading the post. No, it’s not that I’m in too much sadness. I really am OK. I just don’t like to disclose this kind of private thing with others.

We found out we were pregnant again when our firstborn (let’s call him ‘baby A’) was 13 months old, still very small and haven’t seen the outside world that much due to the pandemic. To be honest, I wasn’t that happy to be pregnant (my husband was); instead, I thought about soooo many things in my head, especially these: how am I going to take care of baby A later when my belly is growing bigger, will we be able to sleep comfortably with the ever-shrinking (feeling) bed, is baby A going to be OK that I will have to wean him earlier???

In short, I finally accepted everything, including the fact that we must postpone our plan to move to a house (a landed one, not this kind of ‘shoebox’ apartment) because it’s believed to be bad luck to move when you’re pregnant. Apparently (this comes from me who is not a preacher of any kind) God loves me more that on the 10th week, in the morning after I dropped off baby A at his grandmother’s place (daycare 😀 ), I found spots in my panties. It was Thursday, the day my obstetrician is scheduled to practice in the nearby hospital, so I quickly made a phone call to him. He asked me to get to the hospital for him to check, and there we were in front of his room, waiting until I was called in. “It seems like the fetus is not developing well,” he said while looking at the USG monitor in front of him. “I would give you vitamin penguat kandungan (I’m not from medical background and Google translate doesn’t work well for this) even at the slightest sign of fetal heartbeat, but it’s not there.. so I would prescribe you with abortion medicine instead. After you have this, you will feel small contraction like when you’re in your period, but a bit stronger and with more blood coming out.”

Typical USG image of a blighted ovum (pic from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/-/scassets/images/org/health/articles/21924-blighted-ovum-1)

Everything was normal, I didn’t really feel anything different than when I’m having my period. So on Saturday, I went to my parents’ house as usual. In the afternoon, suddenly I felt a quite strong contraction (I defined it as ‘5-6th opening contraction’) that my face started to look so tense. I can still talk and smile, but needed to spare some strength to hold the pain. I laid down in my sister’s ex-bedroom, then very quickly the pain got tense and lots of blood leaked out that I almost ran to the bathroom to clean up the mess. I ducked in the shower to ease the pain, then a rubber balloon-like substance slipped out from down there, covered in blood, and I felt relieved.. the pain went down from a 6/10 to the normal 2/10 until the day I wrote this.

In case you’re wondering, this phenomenon happening to me was blighted ovum (you can Google it yourself); 1 in 8 women has experienced this ’empty pregnancy’. I read about it a lot before because some friends had this, so I wasn’t so surprised when it happened to me. Oh, and I’m more relieved than not that I wasn’t really pregnant this time. We have always been planning on having 1 more kid, but the timing is faster than expected, so I guess I wasn’t that well-prepared. In the past few days before the spotting, I’d been consumed with my own fear of labour. I know that I want to have another normal delivery for my 2nd child, but it felt too soon after my 1st one.

I’m not saying it’s OK to have blighted ovum – it will upset me so much if I had it during my first pregnancy, but I would say I’m just fortunate enough to experience it for my second one which I had always doubted since the start. Oh, and even though there’s really nothing there, but the woman’s body thinks she’s pregnant, so still the womb (and belly) size is increasing. One week after the so-called ‘abortion’, I went to see my obstetrician for another USG check up (all clean, thank God, otherwise I would have to undergo curettation). Just like after you give birth, you will need to wait until the bleeding stops and your uterus size is back to normal before you are allowed to have intercourse. Plus, we had to wait for another 3 months before we can get pregnant again.

P.S.: Even though I didn’t expect this ‘pregnancy’ and somehow had a feeling that there was not a baby in there, I still cried the night after the ‘abortion’. Thankfully it happened on a Saturday, so I didn’t have to go anywhere the morning after (with the after-crying eyes).

P.S.2: I gained significant weight during this ‘pregnancy’ and never lost it until my pregnancy with my 2nd child (which only happened almost 1 year later, during which all my pants were no longer fit). 😛

letter to my girl (My 3rd Pregnancy, 2nd Baby Diary)

Dear Girl,
(haven’t picked a name for you yet)

Your daddy, big bro, and I finally moved to a house after almost 1 year of waiting (the renovation to complete) and all the drama behind it. The happiest person was me, obviously, feeling suffocated living in an apartment. I had always prayed for a second baby since we decided on the moving date, considering my age and the fact that I was still working from home (WFH). Never did I expect you to arrive so fast, less than 1 month after we moved in. After taking the test pack, I felt happy, sad and worried at the same time, but the sad feeling was almost gone when I saw your daddy’s almost-same excitement upon finding your big bro’s presence. I was a bit worried that you won’t be there, just like my 2nd pregnancy with blighted ovum last year.. so I kinda postponed going to see the doctor until you were 6 weeks old (we found out when you were 5 weeks old).

Thankfully, during our 2nd visit to the doctor in your 10th week, the heartbeat was so strong that the doctor was positive that this time, it’s for real.. This time, having your big brother in his most active age and still adjusting to our new house, I didn’t really count the days as they went by like when I was pregnant with your big bro. Still in WFH mode, once again I successfully concealed the fact that I was pregnant until the end of the first trimester, even though there was this one time during your 12th week when we (my colleagues and I) had this small gathering and some people asked me (yeah, it’s so hard to hide since the baby bump started showing in the 8th week.. and in 12th week, I already looked like I was 4 months pregnant).

With this pregnancy, I didn’t puke at all during the first trimester, and no morning sickness as well. The most annoying thing is the fact that I got really sensitive and cried a lot for the smallest things. I didn’t feel hungry all the time, but this time I craved more for savory (and unhealthy) food. Oh, and don’t forget the fact that I felt hungry mostly at night after your big bro was asleep.. that was how I ended up gaining 10 kg in less than 3 months (I only gained a total of 14 kg during my first pregnancy). The doctor finally spoke up and asked me to control my cravings.. telling me that I might not be able to have normal labor if the weight gain was still so much, so that’s how I started controlling my diet.. eating less rice and midnight snacks that I managed to maintain my weight until the end of the 7th month.

Every night before I slept, I would’ve stared at your big bro’s innocent face and sometimes shed tears, remembering the fact that he was still so small, yet going to be a big brother soon. That was how your daddy and I decided to take him to an intimate 3D2N staycation in Puncak, for us 3 to have our last quality time before you were born. I got tired so easily during this pregnancy that we didn’t dare to take him somewhere further.

I’m still the same person I was.. being precautious and so on, that I decided to also do the 3D USG with you (even though the doctor asked whether I want to do it because I need to or want to). Apparently, you were bigger in size than the average, but unlike your brother, you didn’t want to show your face to daddy and me. Seems like you want to surprise us.. and we can’t wait to see the surprise. 😀

You are now in week 39 as I’m writing this, and I’ve gotten so easily tired and felt like it’s so hard to move around with the big belly (while having to take care of your brother). I don’t want to rush you but I can’t wait to see you. 🙂

Thanks for coming to our life.. you really are a gift from God. I just wish that we could teach you and your big brother to be good, tough, independent, and love each other since you will only have each other when your daddy and I are gone..

XOXO
Your mommy (who cried a lot writing this post)

P.S.: Apparently you really like sleeping in my belly that I had to be induced at 40.5 weeks before you finally decided to come out. Thankfully, the labor process itself was pretty smooth and I could walk myself right after you were born (I didn’t dare to walk for hours after your big bro was born).

[in Bahasa Indonesia] 2 years a mom

People say the moment a (first) baby is born, a mom is also born.

Gw melahirkan persis sebelum Pak Presiden RI ngumumin kasus pertama Covid-19 di Indonesia, dan kemarin pas heboh-heboh orang ngomongin 2 tahun Covid-19 di Indonesia, baru ngeh juga bahwa gw pun belum lama genap 2 tahun jadi ibu alias emak-emak beneran (sebelomnya masih boongan, cuma gaulnya aja sama emak-emak). Ga tau juga harus bersyukur apa nggak dengan kondisi begini. Yang pasti, sebagai working mom, gw yang kebanyakan WFH sejak melahirkan jadinya berasa uneasy kalo ninggalin anak untuk urusan kerjaan (dan pastinya ga kebayang sih misal mesti dateng rapat yang terlalu pagi atau sampe terlalu malem).

Buat yang kenal gw personally, pasti tau kan ya kalo gw tuh datar-datar aja anaknya. Nah, entah efek kurang tidur ato apa, sejak jadi seorang ibu, gw makin melayang-layang. LOL. Bukan melayang yang high kaya orang mabok ya, tapi lebih ke yang ga bisa hadir 100% untuk urusan yang (menurut alam bawah sadar gw) kurang penting. Sering berasa sayang aja waktunya kalo disia-siain.

Enough with the flashback, time to get serious now..

Jadi ada 2 alasan besar gw nulis post ini (selain karena udah lebih dari 6 bulan sejak post terakhir):

• Berbagi ke ibu-ibu lain soal pengalaman gw yang sangat jauh dari sempurna
• Menyadarkan orang pada umumnya bahwa anak tuh ga pernah minta untuk dilahirkan, jadi kita sebagai orangtua (yang notabene udah dewasa) mesti bisa bertanggung jawab atas hidup, kesehatan fisik dan mental anak kita

2 Tahun Jadi Ibu

Sebagian orang mungkin bakal menatap gw dengan aneh pas gw kasitau bahwa gw nikah di umur udah 31+ dan otomatis jadi ibu pas udah lebih tua lagi. Saat banyak orang biasanya merasa beruntung bisa nikah di umur muda, gw malah merasa beruntung karena sebaliknya. Sejak jadi ibu, jadi banyak follow mommygram berbagi kisahnya. Dengan range umur anak yang sama, bisa dibilang gw salah satu ibu paling tua. 😀 Nikmatnya jadi ibu di usia yang lebih ‘matang’ (alias tua) itu, gw jadinya ga gampang parno dan panikan. Dimulai dari saat kontraksi dateng, instead of bikin suami panik, gw cuma dengan kalem buka app buat ngitung kontraksi (gw tau ada app ginian dari sesama emak elektro), telpon ruang bersalin di RS untuk cek, dan ngebiarin suami tidur (gw-nya ga bisa tidur tentu saja, terus berhitung). Sampe RS, masih ketawa-ketawa dan ga jerit-jerit juga pas nahan sakit, malah nyempetin makan biar ada tenaga. Hahaha..

Hidup gw emang berubah banget sejak jadi ibu. Yang dulunya cuma perlu mikirin diri sendiri, sekarang apa-apa kepikiran anak. Keinget ini anak ga bisa apa-apa kalo ga ada gw. Sering merasa terbebani, tapi setiap kali pikiran jelek muncul, gw selalu inget-inget masa dimana gw menantikan kehadiran dia. Sekitar 2-4 minggu pertama, gw sering nangis-nangis kejer (kayanya sih pengaruh hormon juga) karena ngerasa semua orang cuma merhatiin anak gw dan “melupakan” gw, padahal gw sendiri masih ngerasa “sakit” dan belom balik jadi diri sendiri (faktor perubahan pola tidur dari yang biasanya kebo jadi mesti bangun-bangun tengah malem). Belom lagi tu anak maunya nempel terus sama gw, sementara gw sendiri clueless apa yang mesti gw lakukan.

Perubahan terbesar yang berasa setelah jadi ibu: me time dan us time sama suami. Sebelum ada anak mah, kapan aja kepikir, bisa langsung saat itu juga pergi. Setelah ada anak, jadi banyak pertimbangannya. Bisa dibilang waktu bebas itu cuma saat anak lagi tidur, itupun kalo pas tidurnya ga lagi clingy yang mesti digendong terus. Makanya gw beruntung banget dapet full support dari suami, ortu dan mertua untuk terus kerja. Gw jadi dapet me time (tentunya dengan curi-curi di sela waktu kerja) dan sesekali nyempetin juga us time sama suami, meski banyakan cuma sekedar lunch date aja. Kekurangannya adalah: gw jadi ngerasa ga 100% ngurus anak dan di saat yang sama, ga 100% kerja. Tapi ya mungkin ini emang fase yang mesti dilalui, karena ga lama lagi juga si anak bakal sibuk sekolah dan sibuk sendiri sama temen-temennya. Saat itu, barulah gw balik fokus kerja lagi. (Oh I wish my boss doesn’t read this. 😛 )

Kepanikan mulai melanda pas si bayi umur 2 bulan, berarti sisa cuti gw cuma 1 bulan lagi dan gw sama sekali ga ngerti soal pompa ASI dan manajemen ASIP. Cari tau, coba-coba, sewa pompa ASI sampe akhirnya beli, dan terus mompa sampe anak umur 1 tahun. Disinilah gw merasa beruntung gw banyakan WFH: jadi lebih disiplin pompa ASI karena bisa dilakuin sambil kerja (kalo di kantor kan pasti ada masanya gw mesti hadir di ruang meeting dan ga bisa ijin keluar untuk pumping). Tapi dibalik keberuntungan gw, gw tetep ngerasa terbeban banget tiap hari mesti cuci + steril pompa + inget-inget cairin ASIP beku. Belom lagi pas anak mulai MPASI, tambah rempong karena nambah “PR” buat masak.

Kalo ada yang berpikir ikatan batin ibu dan anak bisa otomatis terbentuk karena si anak udah menghabiskan waktu 9 bulan di dalem rahim ibu, itu salah besar.. it takes time to understand your baby. Biar gimanapun, seorang anak adalah seorang pribadi yang berbeda dengan kita. Mungkin benar, ibu adalah orang yang paling bisa mengerti anaknya, tapi ga bisa terjadi secara instan juga. 1 tahun pertama, gw masih lumayan sering (frekuensinya berkurang seiring waktu) nangis bareng sama anak gw karena gw ga ngerti maunya dia apa dan tentunya dia kecewa karena apa yang dia mau ga dikasih. Setelah lewat 2 tahun ini, makin membaik deh, apalagi anaknya juga udah mulai bisa ngomong.

Tambahan: banyak ibu baru yang ngerasa insecure sama penampilan fisiknya setelah melahirkan. Gw ga termasuk diantara ibu-ibu itu. Ya boong sih kalo bilang ga pernah kepikiran sama sekali, apalagi kalo ngaca dan ngeliat tumpukan celana jaman sebelum hamil yang udah ga bisa dipake lagi, tapi ga sampe dibawa stress yang gimana sih.. terima nasib aja, nanti tinggal balik diet dan nge-gym lagi (note: kalo niat). 😀 Well, dari dulu banget juga gw termasuk plus size, jadi udah terlatih buat ga terlalu pusing sama body image.

Anak Ga Pernah Minta Dilahirkan

Tanpa membawa ajaran agama dan kepercayaan manapun, gw dari dulu selalu berpendapat bahwa kalo orangtua ga sanggup membesarkan anaknya (membesarkan = ga cuma sekedar ngasih makan, pakaian dan tempat tinggal ya, tapi juga memperhatikan kesehatan dan kesejahteraan mental), mendingan anaknya ga usah dilahirkan aja. Lain cerita kalo ditengah perjalanan, orangtuanya terkena musibah ya.. Karena jadi orangtua itu adalah tanggung jawab seumur hidup, dan seorang anak kan ga pernah minta dilahirkan ke dunia ini.

Gw paling alergi denger kata-kata: “gara-gara lu (anak), hidup gw (ibu/ayah) jadi susah” dan/atau “gw (ibu/ayah) ga sanggup lagi ngeladenin ni anak, lu (anak) sama … (random person) aja ya”. Heyyy para orangtua, yang “berbuat” siapa? Kenapa “berbuat” kalo ga berani nanggung resikonya? Anak itu ga salah apa-apa. Iya bener, ngegedein anak emang ga gampang, makanya mesti mikir dan berhitung bener-bener sebelom ngelahirin.

Ada lagi tipe orangtua yang memang beneran siap buat punya anak, tapi saking takutnya malah jadi overprotective karena takut anak kenapa-napa atau justru sebaliknya, fokus ke hal-hal duniawi doang (baca: sibuk kerja cari duit, buat sekolahin anak dan belanjain barang-barang lainnya, katanya “buat anak”), lupa bahwa hal duniawi itu adalah nomor sekian buat anak.

Kalo dilanjutin, bahasannya bisa jadi 1 buku kayanya. Kalo dari gw, intinya gini:

1. Jadi orangtua, terutama ibu, ga gampang. Butuh kekuatan fisik dan mental yang luar biasa, mulai dari hamil, melahirkan, sampe ngegedein. Seorang anak lahir ke dunia tuh ibarat buku yang bener-bener putih polos, trus tugas orangtua tuh buat ngisi lembar-lembar pertama buku itu, sehingga nanti saat anak udah cukup besar buat memperluas circle-nya, dia udah siap.
2. Parenting is a lifelong learning. Mulai dari pelajaran simple kaya matematika, sampe yang kompleks sampe level post-doc tuh ada buku dan sumber yang bisa dipelajari, tapi jadi orangtua? Banyak sih sumber-sumber untuk belajar, apalagi sekarang semua tinggal Googling, tapi tetep aja bakal beda, karena tiap anak itu unik. Bahkan saudara kandung aja bisa bertolak belakang banget sifatnya, kaya bumi sama langit. Tiap anak, di tiap tahap usia, beda-beda dan banyak yang bisa dipelajari. Harus diingat, anak itu manusia juga sama kaya kita, jadi memang ga bisa diperlakukan sama. Tugas jadi orangtua akan tetap melekat sampe kita ninggalin dunia ini. (Well, banyak juga sih yang ninggalin anaknya begitu aja karena ga sanggup ngegedein.)
3. Peran ayah dan ibu sama pentingnya. Jaman dulu, banyak banget keluarga yang memberatkan peran mendidik dan membesarkan anak ke ibu seorang, dengan alasan ayah sibuk bekerja cari uang. Makin ke sini, pola pikir orang-orang udah bergeser. Sebagian besar keluarga di kota besar udah sadar bahwa mendidik dan membesarkan anak adalah tanggung jawab bersama ayah dan ibu, bagaimanapun kondisi finansial keluarga (hanya ayah/ibu yang bekerja atau ayah dan ibu sama-sama bekerja). Ayah dan ibu punya peran masing-masing bagi perkembangan kepribadian dan mental anak, sebaiknya ga tergantikan.
4. Tanggung jawab ke anak harus full, ga bisa setengah-setengah. Buat yang kenal gw dari dulu, pasti tau bahwa gw sebenernya sedikit ambisius soal karier. Tapiiii sejak punya anak, ambisi gw bergeser jadi ke anak. Hahaha.. mungkin ada yang bilang “katanya mesti full, tapi kok masih lanjut kerja? Itu namanya setengah-setengah dong?” Well.. preferensi orang beda-beda ya.. ada yang untuk bisa full perhatian ke anak memilih jadi stay at home mom, ada juga yang kaya gw tetep milih jadi working mom. Jujur, selama cuti melahirkan gw udah mempraktekkan jadi SAHM kan ya.. dan yang ada gw malah stress, yang berujung jadi ngomel-ngomel ke suami dan anak. Perasaan gw malah lebih adem kalo gw kerja, karena ada “pengalih” perhatian. Lantas apakah gw menelantarkan anak gw? Nooo.. gw yang dulu paling rajin ikutan acara kantor after office hour, sekarang selalu dateng belakangan (karena pagi ngurusin bocil dulu termasuk nyiapin makanannya buat seharian) dan pulang on time (malah lebih cepet kalo emang ga ada agenda lagi hari itu.. wkwk). Intinya sih, selama kita bareng anak, fokusnya ya mesti ke dia, ga boleh dibagi-bagi.